Baby Dolls and Birdseed Boobs

Any girl who has ever hissed: I'd rather be flat than fat has boob envy. End of story. Myself, included. But even when we say awful things like that, we too think we'll be blessed with boobs eventually. 

My elementary school years were full of developments. We moved, my dad got married, and I got a baby brother. Everything was changing, except my body. I had to beg my mom for a training bra. But, Honey, you don't really need one. Yes, but the other girls in my grade did, and I wasn't going to be odd one out. I was odd enough without being the weirdo who didn't wear a bra. I remember finding bird-seed filled organza bags leftover from my stepmom and dad's wedding. I'd sneak them into my training bra. Birdseed boobs were better than no boobs.

My mother loves bragging about how traumatic it was to be busty in middle school. But it wasn't any easier for 'mosquito bites.' Ever hear: She's flat as a board and easy to nail? Who says that to an eleven year-old? Kids can be such assholes.

Still, I trusted I'd develop eventually. I signed up for my Freshman classes and thought, My time has come! Any day now! But not much happened. Years later, with Junior Prom on the horizon, I had to get pro-active: I was determined to eat my way to Cleavage Land. All I got out of that experiment was a Personal Trainer gift certificate in my Christmas stocking. From my Dad.  

These days women say: Just wait til you're pregnant. They'll get huge. Yeah, along with my ass. Isn't that something to look forward to.

The big boob news today is the new European baby doll out on the American market: The Breast Milk Baby. Little girls can experience breastfeeding for themselves. Disgusting! Can't we save some things for adulthood? It's so creepy. Might as well create a Kiddie PapSmear Kit while we're at it. Cindy, you're gonna lay back and put your Keds in these stirrups--just like Mom. Why are Europeans always trying to make us more comfortable with au natural? Why can't they just leave us--and our body shame--alone? The video below is real! It's no joke.