Exchanges with Richard

Lots of dudes try to hit on me by asking: What'd you do to yourself? This makes things awkward cause...

a) we both know they really just want an excuse to talk about their old skiing/football/soccer injuries.  

b) they never want to hear the truth. 


I'm at a best friend's 30th birthday chili cook off. I'm standing on crutches, teetering over the chips and salsa. I'm buzzed on cilantro mojitos and whiskey. I'm wearing my Don't Mess with Texas t-shirt. A stranger, we'll call him Richard, sidles up next to me.  

Richard:What did you do to yourself? 

EllieinLA : I had surgery (nibble, nibble, nibble). 

Richard: What for? 

EllieinLA : Ummm...(slurp, slurp, slurp).

[This is when I should have lied, but I thought I was on home territory, amongst friends...]

EllieinLA (cont'd): I had a tumor. BUT, I'm TOTALLY fine now. (Grin wide!) I'm great. Totally awesome. Yeah, it's nothing to worry about. 

Richard: (deadpan) You should probably make something interesting up. Like a motorcycle accident. 

EllieinLA: (guffaws) You don't think a tumor is INTERESTING enough? I need to make something up?

Richard: No, it's just--ugh--a tumor---ugh---is REALLY HEAVY. 

EllieinLA: Yeah, cause a motorcycle accident isn't?